The Currency of Love Language

Love Language

You’ve probably heard this latest buzz word (or rather, term) that’s been circulating lately in the mass media and social networks. Terms like this are often used in “pop psychology”, we see it on our Instagram feed and we start using it in social conversations. This is a perfectly wonderful term and a great way to talk about how we exchange our love with others, and how the love we receive and the love we give don’t look the same. Love languages are an amazing tool for navigating our relationships with our loved ones. The trouble is, when terms gain a lot of traction in the mass media, it starts to lose its true meaning, and conversations around it often dull.

What are “Love Languages?”

The idea of love languages first became a coined term in 1992, when anthropologist, religious educator, and philosopher Gary Chapman published a book titled The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. The book itself is very abstract, and is largely based around his experiences counseling couples through his North Carolina church. The idea of the book is that, despite the endless love languages individuals use, every person has a primary and secondary love language that they prefer. He theorized that the type of love language most people give is likely the kind that they would like to receive, and named the 5 main types of these; receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. Despite that the theories presented in the work being theoretical and abstract, we find that there is some psychologically sound basis in which it is grounded in.

How can we use the love languages to better our relationships?

Gary Chapman seemed to be right about at least one thing; we tend to give the kind of love that we would like to receive. This, however, is not the same thing as treating others the way we wish to be treated, which we know is a rule most people do not abide by. When our partner, a family member, or loved one needs love shown to them or we feel like showing them we love them, we often show them we love them through actions that would make US feel good. This, at first glance, seems very obvious, but the issue surrounding it may not. The problem that we face with this impulse is not that we should stop showing love to others, but start building our awareness around HOW we’re giving love to others. We should do so by assessing the love language that is most appreciated by the person we are giving love TO. It makes perfect sense that we would give love the way we wish to receive it, but it is, in fact, unintentionally selfish.

For example, you may have a friend that, when struggling with mental or physical strains, makes it obvious that they need a lot of words of affirmation, and quality time. So, you give them a lot of those types of love to be of service to them. When you are struggling, however, they come off far too overbearing for you. You feel stressed out, as if their kind words are just not that helpful, and wish they offered something more on par with acts of service. Maybe bringing you soup when you’re sick, offering to drive the kids to school, or taking over something on your list for you. You think, “THAT is what would help me feel most taken care of and loved!”. But, they are only acting in a way that they would like to be treated, so we have to be gracious and understanding of where they are coming from. Women are far more likely to need physical affection as an act of love, and men more likely to need acts of service. As a wife we often see this first hand when something stressful happens, and our husbands, instead of giving us an affectionate hug and encouraging word, try to find an immediate way to fix the situation. It may feel frustrating, and utterly obvious to you that there is no immediate fix and that you need a more affectionate type of love in the meantime. To them, they see your pain and wish to take it away, so they use the first tactic that comes to mind.

In order to better improve our relationships, we can consider this idea in every difficult situation; from minor inconveniences to lifelong struggles of our loved ones. The first question we would ask is, “what kind of love do I think they would prefer from me right now”? If by asking this question of ourselves we gain little clarity, we must begin the habit of asking the person in need; “What can I do to help you right now?”

We always hear to “treat others the way you would like to be treated” - What if we treated others the way THEY wanted to be treated? How much love could we spread to the ones we care for?

Grace and Grief this Holiday Season

Getting Through the Holiday: Grace for others, Grace for yourself

The holidays bring about a lot of deep feelings regarding our families, our financial burdens, and of course, all of our regular stress seems to be amplified to match the time of year. Plans are made, or not made, or maybe the plan is to ignore it all together. When someone asks “what are you doing for the holiday?”, it can send us into a small inner panic. Some of us are grieving a loved one and all this talk about togetherness and cheer around a tree is bringing up memories of good, or perhaps terrible, holidays of years past. Maybe, we have mental, emotional, or physical health problems that we feel pressure to restrain this time of year-to prevent others from feeling uncomfortable. We briefly discussed this issue in an Instagram post last week, but thought it deserved a bit more time and attention.

what do we do With Our struggles, during a season that bears such a heavy load?

Every family has trauma. Every family, no matter how seemingly put together they may be, holds resentments and uncomfortable topics that no one dares to bring up. We feel it most often this time of year. Pressure to be happy and comfortable around those you love, to put your mental health on the back burner for a couple months; to “just get through it”. We all share that experience on some level, from dreading a conversation with that one relative you butt heads with, to the weight of a loved one lost.

What do we do when we feel immense grief for someone still with us? What about the addict in the family, the one who you’re grieving because the person they once were has been taken over by impulse and co-morbid mental health struggles? What do we do when we are in chronic pain, and the extra to-do list for things to buy and places to visit with the family feels like a burden looming over you? And the depression and anxiety that doesn’t take a break for the holidays, no matter how much we would like it to? It feels like a mess; because the truth is that grief is not reserved for those passed away in a physical sense. Grief can come when transitioning phases in life, leaving a home, grieving a once healthy body or the sudden absence of our peace of mind, a loss of someone close to us, a loss of someone not so close to us, and, often ignored, the loss of someone we once knew replaced by an addict that we don’t understand.

So the holidays come along, and someone asks if that elusive and distant person will be making it to the festivities. Do they know that you don’t know the answer to that question? Why would they bring it up? The truth is, most of us have no idea how to handle the situation of an addict and the grief that burdens the loved ones around them. What can we do with the disappointment and pain we feel when our loved one tells us they can’t make it to a family function because they’re struggling?

With grace is how we answer all contentions like these.

No one has all the answers to dealing with this conversation that often leaves us feeling uncomfortable and unsure. We often pretend everything is fine and push things down, but this can lead to outbursts and lashing out later on, or coping in unhealthy ways in order to get through all required of you this holiday season. Meanwhile, we may be longing for connection. We may want to share our burdens with our loved ones. We may desperately need advice and care, or perhaps just a sounding board to get all the feelings we have outside of ourselves.

In order to cope with both sides of this coin, we have to, at least attempt to, pursue grace for others in all conversations. With this, we also have to practice speaking to ourselves with grace when going through the inner discussions in our mind. Practicing this year round is the best way to have it well incorporated into ourselves when the especially tough seasons of life roll through.

It seems cliche and overly simplified: just be kind to yourself and others!

We hear this all the time, and it seems over stated. But of course, that’s what a cliche is by nature; a saying so true that we've repeated it till it’s lost its meaning.

And no, the incorporation of kindness toward yourself and others is not going to be a fix all to your holiday struggles; but it will help take the edge off.

Grace, though, is not the same as kindness, is it? The definition of grace is as follows:

grace

/ɡrās/

noun: courteous goodwill

verb: do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence.

Although kindness is similar to giving grace, they are not one and the same. The difference is, that kindness is a single aspect of giving grace, but grace cannot be described by only one of its facets. Grace means being kind, but not only for the sake of saving face. When having these hard conversations, we have to be kind always, but we do not have to pretend to be okay, or validate a persons ill behavior and become compliant to it. Grace means to listen and to show love despite the situation someone may be in; this takes all of the condition out of love for someone else. We shouldn’t place any limitations on the love we show someone struggling; the addict, the griever, the struggling family member or friend, or ones self. This use of grace in every interaction should relieve you, not burden you; this means that despite the actions of others, or of yourself, we are all deserving of love. It can often feel difficult during this season to comfort someone, or to validate why our loved ones may be exhibiting behavior through their pain that you see as harmful. Grace means to never hide a problem with mindless courtesy, but to see the struggle straight in the face for all of its brutal and terrifying reality, whether within yourself or within someone else, and showing it love and attention instead of fear, no matter how ill deserved it may initially feel. The only way to truly connect with others is from a place where grace abounds.

So what does grace look like in a practical sense? What are some examples of showing grace to someone or to a situation?

We’ve thought up some helpful examples:

Time

Give someone who is struggling or grieving your time when they are in need. They often do not need a big speech or for you to do anything at all. Despite who is at fault in their situation or how you feel about it, just be there for them while they are struggling. Show support through your presence.

Forgiveness

The holidays, as we discussed, can bring up some serious hurts between you and your loved ones. Deeply buried, layered issues can present themselves in all kinds of ways. Those big problems will not be easily forgiven overnight; but the little slips are usually easily forgivable, with practice. Recognizing at your holiday dinner this year that your loved ones are dealing with similar or equally difficult things that you are. Does it dismiss terrible behavior? Not at all. But understanding the place that these actions come can help us forgive the little things, take that burden of anger off of us, and may help your loved one react in unexpected and lovely ways.

Gratitude

Showing gratitude is what the holidays are all about, but that can often be buried by all the discomfort we may feel. Even through deep sorrows, showing regular gratitude is a practice that, at first, may feel frustrating and forced, but with time will become a second nature to you. Regularly telling people when you feel grateful for something they said or did, keeping mental note of all the things you feel grateful for on a daily basis, and even writing some of those things down will create the habit for you. Sometimes we sit down to write down what we feel grateful for, and we can’t see any light in the darkness. But the fact of the matter is, there’s always something to be glad about. Start from the small things that we often take for granted, and work your way up. Food, water, our existing family members or friends who care for us. Maybe you have a run down car you want to replace; but you have a car and you got to work this morning. Maybe you couldn’t get out of bed this morning, and you slept the rest of the day and felt truly terrible; what a joy it is to have a bed to sink into during times of great difficulty! This is not only a practice to help others feel your love; it is a practice to help YOU feel your own love!

None of these things will immediately fix your struggles. But, they will start to ease some of the tension and pain from this time of year.

Remember, these tips are helpful, but if you are having thoughts of harming yourself or others, if this is more than just the seasonal blues, or if you are ridden with thoughts of harming yourself or others; professional help, guidance, and connection is what you need. Please visit our Contact and About page for resources and guidance for where to start.